I recently read an interview with Dr. Louann Brizendine in The New York Times, and it cleared up some pretty serious questions I had about men and women and why we are from those different planets. Dr. Brizendine is a neuropsychiatrist who knows what is lurking up there in the cognitive soup between our ears, and she laid a few truths out that explain a lot. Men, the future isn’t looking good for us.
Men’s brains are about the size of a cantaloupe, or about 10 percent bigger than women’s brains. But don’t get too excited there, fellas; women’s brains have about 11 percent more brain cells crammed into their smaller brains – and more connections between the lobes. So?
Let me explain that in terms you will understand, guys: It’s not the cubic inches of the engine in your F-150 that are important, it’s the horsepower that the engineers at Ford squeezed into that smaller block. Less weight, more horsepower, you do the math. Seems men are lugging around a big old V-8 block while our wives or girlfriends have a faster 6-cylinder under the carbon fiber hood. Or a turboed four. As far as women having more connections between their lobes, it’s like this: Hook a serious IROC racing transmission to that more efficient engine and what have you got? Uh huh. If Cale Yarborough and Richard Petty knew this stuff, why didn’t he tell us?
Gentlemen, if you aren’t feeling stunted enough, did you know that all human brains begin as females? When we all show up on this planet, women are on top. That’s what Dr. Brizendine says. So when we’re conceived, we’re all loving pink; then at about eight weeks, if you’re a male, your testicles show up and you get fitted for a blue jersey, you’re traded to the other team. Guess what your little boys do during the next eight months – they suck the horsepower right out of their brains to build their plumbing. You still think God is a man? Roll that biogenetical conundrum around in your testicularly challenged frontal lobe and see where you come out. Eve-21, Adam-6.
If all of this is true (and I read it in The New York Times, so it must be) why have women historically been subservient to men? Simple. Pregnancy.
Before birth control, way back in the 1700s and 1800s, women were pregnant as many as 17 to 22 times in their lives. That’s a lot of stretch marks, nipple-sucking and butt-wiping and it will knock a girl down a few rungs on the old “who’s in charge” ladder. Men had the luxury of thinking deep thoughts and running the show. Women were buried in the snot of the next generation.
So now what? Here’s what: It’s payback time. Just yesterday, I noticed my wife is about six rungs up the life ladder above me. My daughter is being trained to climb fast, too. Take college: At most schools, the females outnumber the males 60-40. The women I work with are smarter than I am. How do I know? They tell me this all the time. What does it all mean?
It means while us men were admiring our nads, women were using their brains. Look at chimps, they are the men of the future. If we keep slipping, it won’t be long until women will be visiting us at the zoo while we scratch our hairy butts and fondle the very reasons we got demoted in the first place. Evolution is not on our side, guys.
I know two men who are stay-at-home dads. We may have a female president in two years. Danica Patrick just may be the most famous race car driver. I bet we’re only six or seven years away from a woman coaching an NFL team. When you see a girl catcher throwing a guy out at second in Wrigley Field, we’re testosteroned toast. I know a guy who swears he’s going to chop off a testicle in hopes that his brain will gain a few more cells so he can fend off his wife from taking his Chevy Silverado and making him drive the old Dodge minivan.
So after all these years, it looks like size really doesn’t matter, especially when it comes to your cerebruminator. Hey pal, get to the back of the line.
