It was all caused, in my opinion, by the untimely death of the famous two-headed calf in Wythe County, Va., this weekend. Something happened somewhere in the universe to front-load this chain of events.
It had to be that doubly-cute little cow heading toward the light that tipped the nutbag over and spilled everything on the floor. Such a tragic shaking of the cosmic marbles dislodged a neuron in the brain of Griffin O’Neal, son of actor Ryan O’Neal, all the way out in Malibu, Calif.
I’m not sure whether he’d heard the news of the two-headed bovine’s departure down the one-way exit, but something urged the younger O’Neal to attack his old man with a fireplace poker (my weapon of choice in all family disputes), causing the former star of “Love Story” (Ryan) to show some
fatherly love and squeeze off a shot at his son with a gun. Ryan O’Neal was arrested and charged with, among other things, continuing to hang out with Farrah Fawcett, who, in case you haven’t noticed lately, doesn’t look a lot like she did in that poster we all hung on our dorm walls back in the 1970s.
If this seems normal to you, let’s continue this two-headed cow death-induced drama further. And let me warn you, this is stranger than a Coen Brothers movie after a bad night in high school with a
bunch of Boone’s Farm. Nancy Grace, you got trumped on this one, ma’am.
You’ve probably heard this already, unless you rode the two-headed cow into the netherworld yourself over the weekend as well or got head- butted by Chewbacca on Hollywood Boulevard.
The astronaut story. Amazing, out-of-this-world stuff. According to police, astronaut Lisa Nowak and Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman were in a “relationship” with another astronaut, Cmdr. Bill Oefelein. Need a program yet?
Astronaut Nowak told authorities that it was “more than a working relationship and less than a romantic relationship” that she was having with Astronaut Bill. So what exactly exists in that
infinitesimally small space between working and romance? Jealousy. An nasty case of it, too.
Seems that Mrs. Nowak used her astronaut training to diaper up, print off more accurate MapQuest directions than I ever got and drive all the way from Houston to Orlando in disguise so she could cross flight paths with her female competition, Capt. Shipman. In the parking lot of the airport, she did just that, firing her thrusters, spraying Shipman with pepper spray and maybe even attempting to kidnap
her or something worse, considering the equipment found by police. Dear God, when does the Spray ‘n Wash commerical come on?
Police found that Nowak was packing a carbon dioxide-powered BB pistol (luckily, astronauts aren’t trained very well in how to kill someone) an unused steel mallet, a tan trench coat, a wig, some diapers (so she wouldn’t have to stop as much — learned that watching Tom Hanks in the movie), rubber gloves, a new folding 4-inch knife, several feet of feet of rubber tubing, some large plastic garbage bags and $600 in cash. She had clearly seen all three of those “Saw” movies and was taking notes.
It’s a long, sad space flight from “The Right Stuff” to “Wrong Way” (1972, look it up). Astronaut Nowak is married and has three children. I’m thinking she is now a prime candidate for the TV show “Wife Swap” — okay, “Fear Factor.”
CNN said Nowak “had earlier posted a $15,500 bond on charges of attempted kidnapping, battery and attempted burglary of a car with battery.”
Did I just read that sentence up there right? Attempted burglary of a car with battery? Never mind.
Director of NASA’s Johnson Space Center in Houston, Michael Coates, issued a statement saying Nowak “is officially on 30-day leave and has
been removed from flight status and all mission-related activities.” Dang, I hope so. Don’t think I’d want to spend several months stuck in the space station with food in a tube and a woman who’d drive 900 miles in diapers to get even.
Again, from CNN: Her supervisor said NASA would support Nowak “like we would any employee at NASA if they were to get into this situation.”
Excuse me. How many people at NASA get into this situation? That statement kind of sounds like this happens a lot. As a taxpayer, I’m starting to wonder what exactly is going on up there in the space shuttle and the space station? Are they using the Hubble to spy on their boyfriend’s other girlfriends? Are they conducting experiments to discover the effects of bumping uglies in zero gravity? Has somebody been snorting Scotty’s stash of dilithium crystals?
“Captain, we weren’t built to take this kind of punishment!” “Houston, we have a problem.” Yeah, yeah, this will crank up more jokes than “Brokeback Mountain.”
Space might be the final frontier, but it ain’t one small step for man or mankind anymore. It’s one giant leap for Jerry Springer.
I miss John Glenn.
