I couldn’t sleep Saturday night, so I had an idea. I’d just read a Nielsen report explaining that DVRs (digital video recorders) are not causing people to zap commercials like the experts initially assumed. Seems that three-fourths of the DVR-Tivo-ing consumers (15 million) don’t zap the commercials at all – they watch them. Looks like the rumors of the death of TV commercials have been greatly exaggerated.
Truth is, fast forward isn’t just for commercials anymore. The FF- ing idea got me to thinking, what if I fast-forwarded as many movies as I could? We have the whole shebang HDTV cable setup with 780 channels. There are more free movies than you can watch in a year on there – unless you watch them in fast-forward. Which I did Saturday night.
I didn’t get through all of them on the list (I’d be here a month even in fast mode) but I made a good-sized dent and, I will tell you, it’s the best way to watch movies you have already seen. Okay, it’s the best way to watch some movies you haven’t seen, too. I watched “Crank” in FF and it was much better than regular. The bad dialogue didn’t slow down the hyper action. I highly recommend “Crank” on fast forward.
Here are the others I FF’d:
“Fist Full of Dollars”, “A Few Dollars More”, “The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly”, “Hang ‘em High”: These must be watched back to back for full effect. Sergio Leone must have figured somebody would do this, because they are so much more fun this way. FF’ing turns his whole Spaghetti Western Omelet into sweaty Lasagna Comedies with one touch of your remote. You have to FF them to truly appreciate the genius of his editing and characters. Those squinting Clint close-ups are goofy when you’re zooming. Lee Van Cleef is Jim Carrey in the desert. Eli Wallach is a nasty Fred Mertz. It’s like watching somebody throw aged beef jerky at Dobermans on a hot summer day. Weird as all heck. After watching these in FF, I was hooked. Seriously, who can not love the Skipper from “Gilligan’s Island” hanging Clint Eastwood in the first scene of “Hang ‘em High” – in FF. Cooler than February in Buffalo.
“Deer Hunter”: Heavy dining here – until you FF it. Boom. Now we’re talking why Cimino got the Academy Award. The torturous wedding is bearable and the Russian roulette scenes are – this is sick – funnier than The Three Stooges. FF’in adds a funny dimension to even the most brutal situation.
“Heaven’s Gate”: If they’d released this one in FF, Cimino would have his career back. It works amazingly well faster, and the images are even more stunning because speed shoves the beautiful camera work straight into your frontal lobe. In FF, this one is like watching that dude eat the 72- ounce steak in Myrtle Beach so he can get it for free. Plus, when you see Kristofferson sped up, he can act.
“Midnight Cowboy”: Want to see foreshadowing of Angelina Jolie? Watch Jon Voight in this one FF’d. You’ll see what I mean immediately. This FF thing is perfect for these old movies because it shortens those loooong scenes the old-school directors used into something that is almost tolerable.
“Bullitt”: Trust me, your memory of this one is better than the reality until you zip through it. Then it’s actually not bad and McQueen seems more edgy sped up. I think my memories of this one FF’d it in my head years ago. The chase scene is an FF’ing masterpiece.
“The French Connection”: Same as “Bullitt”. The car chase is better when it’s cranked up to overload, but the scenes are lit like old “Barney Miller” reruns and, in fast motion, the people all walk like they’re skating and Hackman feels eerily like an angry Nick Nolte. But that chase, man, good stuff when you’re pressing the >> button.
“Bonnie and Clyde”: I remember seeing this in the theater back in the day. I didn’t laugh like I did watching it FF’d. If you do this one, watch Faye Dunaway’s eyes. Uh huh. Betty Davis couldn’t do it better.
“M*A*S*H*”: All I can say is, your sure notice that there are a lot of tents when you watch it fast.
“Raging Bull”: Want the main course in double-speed cinema? Right here. Did you see “Sin City”? I’d say “Sin City” directors Frank Miller and Robert Rodriguez saw this one FF’d. In the thick retro black and white violence, imagine “I Love Lucy” with angry guest stars De Niro and Pesci. You can smell “Goodfellas” cooking in Scorsese’s kitchen. The fight is sadly funny. FF’ing makes violence funny yet again.
And if you really want funny, just FF “Spartacus”. The fights and the images feel like Chuck Heston is going to show up any minute and challenge Kirk Douglas’ chin to a best-two-out-of-three of Gladiator versus Moses. This one made me go watch “Jason and the Argonauts” and “Clash of the Titans” FF’d. After those, I had to take a rest and a few Advil. And don’t drive after you do this FF’ing because if will, well, just take my word for it.
FF’ing is a whole new way to waste time. But I highly recommend it. College students can load up on 30 years of popular culture in a weekend. Give it a shot.