Ding dong, the wicked Leona Helmsley is dead. If you were a fan of hers, don’t blame me for that Oz reference, I didn’t give her the moniker “The Queen Of Mean.” I just report what I read in official news sources, and those reports are 40 miles long. I do have one request of her estate, however: Can I take care of Leona’s dog, Trouble? Please?
I’ll gladly do it. I’ll treat the little yapper better than the late Tammy Faye treated her bowser. I’ll feed him T-bones and caviar if that’s what barks his snout. He can sleep in the big bedroom. I’ll take him down to Barbados for long walks on the beach.
According to the very public news following the death of the hotel czarina, Leona left somebody $12 million to take care of her dog.
Who?
Me! Over here! I can take care of Trouble, no prob! Here, little fella! Smooch, smooch. Sorry Rudy, you’re now playing second fiddle, pal, and say hello to your stinky little $12 mil friend. Arf. Just let me know where to send the limo, I have a garageful of bitches waiting.
Mrs. Helmsley loved this canine, obviously. Unfortunately for them, though, she wasn’t so enamored with her human survivors. The ex-con (tax evasion in the go-go 1980s) billionaire left her brother $10 million and $5 million each to two of four grandchildren. The other two GC’s got snubbed for “reasons known to them.” Bad move on their part.
Note to grandchildren left out of Granny Leona will: Put up with Trouble. It’s worth 12 big and nasties. It won’t be as hard as putting up with Granny, no doubt.
So what kind of human leaves her dog $12 million and leaves her grandchildren less than half of that or nothing? Ask anyone who worked for the hotel magnate. She wasn’t exactly the kind of person you’d invite over to watch the game on Saturday. Sorry to speak evil of the dead, but sometimes the dead do the evil talking all by themselves. I remember that movie with Suzanne Pleshette. Ouch. How can a woman sound just like James Coburn? Amazing.
Anyway, I will say nothing but nice things and take care of the dog if I can find out where to sign up. Mr. Estate Lawyer, are you reading this? I will get the little pooch a luxury box at a major NFL stadium. I’ll take the chomper to Ruth’s Chris every Friday night and chauffeur Trouble around in a Porsche (or a Ferrari, if he has Italian leanings). No trouble is too big for Trouble. Does he like cable? 500 channels here, baby. You like Nancy Grace? I’ll even watch that (but only for 12 mil).
Considering all the bad things that were said and are still being said about the dog’s former owner, I’d say she named her dog aptly. But I can put up with a lot of Trouble for $12 million.
Wait, who are those 400 people lined up in front of me to claim this dog? Good grief, it’s the same people who wanted Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
Where’s Cesar Millan when you need him?