I can hear the whistling of that familiar opening tune over black and white images of Andy and Opie strolling down a wooded trail to fish in the lake. I have heard that song all of my life. Now I can get a taste of it, sort of.
(Cut to close-up of Don Knotts’ eyes narrowing in the afterlife.)
Mayberry’s Finest, a line of 32 items (www.mayberrysfinest.com) with the theme of the still-popular show, is about to whistle into stores like Barney – bullet in pocket – chasing a criminal. Andy Griffith has to okay everything and gets a percentage, but he is the law in these parts, after all. Has been all of my life, anyway. Fair is fair, and most of the others are dead anyway, except Ron Howard. It was Andy’s show. Sorry Barn.
A stylized illustration of Andy, Aunt Bee and Opie chowing down on some obviously tasty home cooking tops the homey labels of everything from canned Chicken and Dumplings, Beef Stew and Chili and Beans to Southern-Seasoned Vegetables. There’s breadings and baking mixes, too. You can lay out a spread big enough to invite the Darlings over and have enough left over for a night little dinner with Thelma Lou. If you can’t figure out exactly what to whip up, recipes from Aunt Bee’s kitchen are just a click away on the website. Mayberry has gone all fancy and high tech, don’t ya know.
But where are Goober’s Goobers (boiled peanuts)? I want a percentage if they come up with that item after reading this.
Do your Boomergraphic profiling and you’ll see this all makes amazing sense. Think of the possibilities. Jack Daniels or Jim Beam could brand some corn squeezins in Otis’ honor (Otis’ Jailhouse Bourbon). Hagar could launch Howard Sprague’s Tightass Dungarees. Gillette could create an entire line of Floyd the Barber grooming products (“Ohhhh Ang…). Gomer Pyle automotive products aren’t far down the road.
Why stop at the Mayberry City Limits. Let’s have Beverly Hillbillies – inspired home decor at Target, Gilligan’s IslandWear at Wal-Mart (Mary Ann Cutoffs and Ginger Jewelry) and Green Acres Hooterville motels along Interstates I-85 and I-65 in particular (I may be behind if there’s already one in Branson, so forgive me, Mr. Douglas).
The Mayberry’s Finest website features a jingle by bluegrass band, The Grascals. I guess Pink Floyd was unavailable. I listened to the jingle, but I’d still rather hear Andy’s whistling or the song from Green Acres – a classic piece of fine American tunesmithing if there ever was one.
I talked to my wife about this blatant merchandising of her all-time favorite show. She has seen every single episode and knows some by heart. It’s kind of sad and scary.
“I’m a big fan, but I’m not a Mayberry purist,” she said. “So I figure it’s okay. This is, after all, a TV show with actors playing Southerners mostly shot on a backlot in Hollywood, created to sell stuff and make money, right?” She peels this sentence off like a cue card. “I mean that shot of Andy and Opie walking to go fishing while the whistling is whipping along in the opening is shot at Griffith Park in Los Angeles.”
Yeah, there’s that, too.
I hear the company that created Mayberry’s Finest (Diversity Brands in Nashville) is working on a line of Gladys Knight soul food. Not if I can get my Sanford and Son line out first.