When economic times get tough, weird things happen. No, seriously, I mean really weird things. True, people eat out less and there are more suicides. Legal troubles and psychological problems go through the roof (call centers dealing with such things have reported a 30% increase since July). As unemployment rises, so do thefts and burglary.
All of that makes sense. However, I read in the New York Times that child mortality rates go down when the economy falls. And get this: people buy more laxatives. There are less male births. The top songs get longer and have more meaning than in prosperous economies. Even Playboy Playmates look more mature, taller and heavier. Not Janet Reno mature, but you know what I mean.
With Wall Street in turmoil, the scent of Japan’s late 1990’s malaise drifts around banks and investment companies. Remember when Japan’s real estate bubble pushed a square meter of space to $300,000? Is that like when our banks gave unemployed people mortgages? Perhaps. Bubbles are bubbles, no matter what crack they sneak out of.
It could be that greed and hypocrisy have finally gotten a price tag or that our financial wizards are just downwind of Europe’s more successful stimulus packages. Spending billions on a war or two haven’t helped. Maybe it’s the ugliness of a particularly divisive election where, if we disagree, we’re not Americans. Who knows? Things are weird though.
I went to the grocery store last week in Toledo and there was no Advil and (not that I was looking for it) no Metamucil. Steak gets replaced by beans and rice. Beer, candy and pasta sauce are unaffected by fears of a recession. Investing in chocolate is a good idea if Hershey’s profits are any indication.
If you are brave enough to take a peek at your underperforming 401k in the last few weeks, you’ll see that you may have lost enough to pay off your house or buy a Ferrari. But did you notice dresses getting longer? It happens in recessions. Less cash, less leg. More economic pain, longer work hours. I’m not making this up. It’s all Googleable. It’s in the paper. It’s on the news.
People get healthier during hard times, death rates fall (well, except suicides) because people exercise more, smoke and drink less and have fewer traffic accidents. Back pain decreases as do heart attacks. Pollution is reduced. Weird, huh?
Maybe it’s the laxatives and stress combined. No job means people aren’t driving to work so less pollution and wrecks – and less chance to hurt their backs doing heavy lifting. They eat at home, and that usually means healthier meals, so they lose weight. Besides, with no health coverage, people try to stay well. They can’t afford sickness or injury. I guess bungy jumping and skydiving are probably taking a hit.
It gets stranger. I saw last week that the new Apple Powerbooks have lost their Firewire ports. Not sure that has anything to do with the economy, but might as well blame it on hard times.
Bank accounts are smaller. Cars are smaller. Houses are smaller. Human brains are shrinking in relation to the Dow.
Okay, that last one is just a random observation after riding a Metro train from NYC to New Haven last week with a dozen drunk college students (who clearly missed the official recession memo about less drinking).
In the Detroit airport Friday, as the stock market was doing its daily, 3 pm spiral, a little boy stood in front of a flat screen TV watching CNN.
“Mom, what’s an economic bendicator?” he said.
I looked at his inquisitive face and thought: An economic bendicator is what happens when the billionaires on Wall Street, who never wanted governmental interference with their capitalism, cash those bailout checks for $700 billion.
Somehow, I don’t think the little fellow would have understood. Maybe he will understand when he’s still paying for all of this in 30 years.
