The election is over and the pundits have been packed away in colorful Tupperware boxes in the attic at CNN. So what now? With the recent rise of political action figures like Joe The Plumber (license sold seperately), I’ve been thinking about how The Professor and Mary Ann would fit into politics these days.
Is the new game plan in political circles to make cartoon characters out of everyone? Earl The Unemployed Beekeeper, Linda The Office Rumor-Monger, Camille The Crazy Cheerleading Mom, Dave The Jackass Of The Cube Farm?
Toward the end, the election took on a sitcom tone with campy characters filling in for actual substance. Tonight, Jo Ann The ER Nurse gets even with Frank The Crack Dealer.
Did Tony The Tiger endorse someone? In the next election, will The Jolly Green Giant take on the incumbent? Will Ronald McDonald be a liberal or conservative? Hey, is that shifty Toucan Sam paling around with the Chick-fil-A cows? How does the challenger’s platform fit with Bugs Bunny or Larry The Cable Guy? What does Cindy The Less Than Perfect Dove Soap Model say when The Brawny Guy comes out in favor of Ralph The Nader?
In my neighborhood, we have June The Accountant and Jimmy The Golf Club Pro. They’re pretty dull. They hate each other (maybe because they used to be married until Phil The Lawyer came into the picture). Steve The Yard Boy and Shelly The Horndog get along like Julio The Tailgater and his posse: Gary The Redskin Wannabe, Russell The Stat Junkie and Henry The Ogler.
Mike The Karate Teacher and Bertrand the Barbeque Briquet Fondler are possibly in the Witness Protection Program because Bertrand looks exactly like Vinny The Pipewhacker Testeroni from that CourtTV gangster documentary and Mike is the spitting image of Louis The Chinny-Chin-Chin Ferragamo. Howard The Guy Who Doesn’t Use Deodorant will never be on TV unless something tragic happens, like if maybe he and Skeeter The Pissed Siding Installer breaks into Sal The Gun Nut’s garage and both end up on Vince The Mortician’s slab.
This could catch on, this squeezing of humans into easy-to-grasp roles. Everyone has a part in this big American tale of simplistic labels. Let’s get Brenda The Angry Middle Manager and Sam The Embezzler out there for a speech. Lonny The Drunk has a few slurred words and Carl The Creepy Preacher will pretend to pray. Wendy the Promiscuous Mom and Ken The Slimy Paint Salesman will sneak behind the curtain for some vetting. Is this the future?
I just don’t want to be Terry The Brander? I don’t like that. Sounds like I work on a ranch.
