I have been in hurricanes all of my life, so I understand what is involved. They are unpleasant and destructive and kill people. Hurricanes are horrible things. My family lives on the Gulf Coast, so this time of year, I spend a lot of time watching The Weather Channel. But like it or not, hurricanes are a part of the natural cycle of life on earth and when one churns across the Atlantic, it gets a lot of airtime.
We give them names like Isabel and Ivan and Bill. With so much time being allotted to these swirling storms, why not name them after brands? Corporate sponsorships flood our TV, Web surfing and sports. Why not get companies to sponsor hurricanes? To be brutally honest, generator and chainsaw manufacturers, large hardware stores, bottled water and battery companies already profit from hurricanes (not that it is their business plan, it just happens). All types of brands run commercials and Web banners inside the blustery confines of hurricane coverage by every media outlet. Why not take the next logical step?
“Because it is a disaster, you cruel bastard,” you say.
Is that why we give hurricanes random names out of the phone book? We are not worried about women named Fran and Camille or guys named Floyd and Mitch. This year there will be a Hurricane Fred. Do you think Fred is happy about this?
Race cars and speedboats covered in logos have horrendous wrecks all the time. That doesn’t scare away sponsors. How many logos were on the car that just hit the wall and flipped twelve times?
If we get corporate sponsors for hurricanes, we can use the money generated to help the victims (sorry FEMA). Think about it, how many times is a hurricane mentioned once it cranks up off the African coast? 500 million, a billion times? The Super Bowl cannot hold a candle to the airtime of a single hurricane.
Since the stock market is nothing more than a risky, blind, dart-throwing exercise for most of us, go ahead and give hurricanes a spot on the big board as well. If humans will bet on canaries fighting (and we do), then we will gamble on the value of hurricanes to see which one gets the most corporate sponsorships. I can think of several companies that would have done no worse by slapping their logo on a 130 mph spinner. I invested in my share of them.
Currently, no one benefits from a hurricane named Opal or Dennis. Felix and Gustav and all the others have cost us trillions, all combined. Name one after a soft drink or beer company and see how much good we could do.
{ NOTE: Before anyone gets the urge to write me and complain about the callousness of this blog, just know that I was in Camille as a kid and my family lost three houses to Opal and Ivan in the last 10 years. We find a way to profit from all kinds of suffering in this world, perhaps if we think hard enough, we could find ways to mitigate that suffering. }
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