I get a lot of catalogs this time of year. They are filled with fruitcakes, hams, smoked turkeys, cheese, jelly, cookies shaped like Santa, etc. So what do they do with this stuff come January? Hopefully they don’t save it until next year and put it in the next catalog. But since the half-life on some of these items is not much less than carbon 14, perhaps they are good until 2023 or longer.
The one product that seems most out of place this time of year is summer sausage logs. You’ve seen these things. Some are small like dog doo. Others are the size of thermoses. They usually come in gift baskets with assorted cheeses. The strange thing is, I don’t see summer sausage logs in the summer, just during the holidays. It is epicurically dyslexic. Yet there they are on page 12-27, lined up like meaty little torpedos.
Summer sausage has the smoky aroma of spicy meat soaked in a mixture of garlic, salt and paint thinner. It’s not a bad combination. Eat a few inches, however, and you’ll contribute to the methane eating a hole in the ozone. The perfect chaser for a summer sausage log is Maalox Extra Strength. Or Charmin.
Technically, summer sausage is fermented meat, which is kind of scary in and of itself. Fermented grapes make wine. Fermented meat makes me nervous. It does not need refrigeration. That should be a hint. A quick Google search indicates that summer sausage is made from beef or pork scrap meat and “organ meat.” That last one is a bit troublesome. Organs cover a wide variety of biological definitions that I would rather not think about while putting things in my mouth. Especially things shaped like logs.
So this year, I am hoping no one decides to send me summer sausage as a gift. But if they do, I know I can regift it next year, or the next, or the next.