My Sign Sucks
We all have to be something. Aries, Tarus, Winnebago. I am a Sagittarius. I have never put even a remote amount of faith into such things. I’ve always figured our fortune was guided or blunted by our own actions, not the stars. In the last year, however, I have started regularly reading my horoscope in the local paper.
I usually wait until the end of the day to read it, just to see how incorrect it is. Often it is vague. It could anyone’s future, especially by the end of the day, when it is, essentially, the past. About three months ago, I started reading it in the morning. Different wad of lint altogether. I am no closer to believing in such things, but I have discovered something just as interesting: the horoscope writer hates Sags.
Day after day I have been reading:
“You will fail.”
“Not a good day to go anywhere.”
“You should find another occupation.
“Something bad is going to happen.”
“Someone is screwing with you.”
“Hey dude, can’t you take a hint? Your life sucks.”
Okay, the last one is just my interpretation of a continued string of gloom and damn. Ah, yeah, because the horoscope writer is screwing with me and every other Tradgittarian. It is like I am being stalked by a palm reader with an axe to grind – or a keyboard to plant in my back. Some Sag somewhere pissed off this horo-writer, guaranteed, and it is Zodiac payback every day.
Here is the strange thing: Sagittarian horoscopes are different in every daily source. One is cheerful, on is surly. How the hell can that be if it is supposed to be the fate of everyone under that sign for that day?
I have decided to start reading several horoscopes and just pick the one I like. If I have a choice between:
“You will experience great pain today.”
Or
“Your CPA made a mistake and you will get back all of the taxes you’ve ever paid. The check will be there Friday.”
Not too hard to figure out which Sag I want to be that day.