Over the weekend, I heard about a brilliant piece of thinking from a man in Florida. His name is Ricardo. I hate to use peoples’ names in this space since sometimes my writing attracts unsavory elements and angry retorts, but suffice it to say, Ricardo’s idea was not mine and it is genius.
Here and there across America, retirement homes will set you back upwards of $6,000 to $9,000 a month. I am not talking about a full-on nursing home, I am talking about an assisted living situation where people who can’t cook or clean for themselves get a little daily help. In most other ways, these seniors are pretty self-sufficient. $9,000 is a boatload of money. And in that statement is the answer to this unpleasant time of life.
A cruise can be purchased for about $1,000 a week. No, it is not cheap. But still, think about that for a moment – a nice room with a view that is always more exciting than looking at a parking lot and a gazebo no one ever uses.
The housekeeping on a cruise is better than you can get at many 5-star hotels. If you leave for breakfast, when you get back an hour later, your room is perfect. The cruise also offers all you can eat from a buffet that is usually pretty impressive (elephant and whale-shaped ice sculptures surrounded by radishes carved to look like flowers). And your unstable gait won’t be noticed because half the people on onboard may be drunk at any given time.
You can hang out at the pool and see half-naked women (or men, if that is your fancy) for free. You can gamble in the casino. They have bingo. We all know retirement homes have bingo. So do cruises.
You can visit exotic locales almost every day. And, if you choose the Caribbean, it is even warmer than Florida, so those blood thinners will be no problem unless you get cut playing shuffleboard. All of this can be yours for about $4,000 a month – that is four smackers versus nine chumps. It this looking genius yet?
It doesn’t take a CPA to grasp the concept that this is a hell of a lot cheaper option than one of those retirement places where they treat you like you have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. The crew on a cruise will treat you like a king or queen, whichever you prefer. They have a doctor and a little hospital on board. And the staff at Adios Acres Retirement Village damned sure won’t fold your towels into animal shapes while you are out for a stroll.
Should you not wake up one morning, your friends can wheel you over to starboard and treat you like a pirate, slipping your leftovers over the rail and into the arms of Neptune – which is a pretty awesome way to exit this world if you have seen pirate movies. Actually, I suppose you have already exited, so this is just a disposal formality. It is, however, far cheaper than a $9,000 funeral. Okay, it is free. Your survivors can buy a lot of fruity, umbrella-topped drinks with nine grand, and think fondly of you with each sip. Or they can buy a good, used Honda Civic at Car Max. Or pay for nine more weeks of cruising. The options are endless.
Thank you, Ricardo, for this awesome idea. I hear there are even bigger discounts if you book early. I’m booking 20 years early. See you all in Grand Cayman.
