The sky over Washington, D.C. was enamel blue. Cherry blossoms and dogwood bloomed. The wind was whipping and the Visine was flowing. Union Station was over-run by commuters, tourist and at least one chubby congressman whom I recognized, but could not wrap a name around. I strolled toward the capitol. Police road-blocked and sirened their way around the Mall area. Security is tight in D.C. Or is it?
Let me say up front that I am no security risk that I am aware of. I pay my taxes, use my credit card and stand during the National Anthem. I do, however, carry a Leatherman with me.
It’s the most useful multifunctional tool ever devised by humans. It has a ruler, screwdrivers, scissors, a knife, tweezers, pliers, a bottle opener/can opener and pretty much anything else MacGyver might need. I clip my fingernails with it, open bottles and cans, measure things, remove splinters with the tweezers, grip stuff with the pliers, screw whatever needs screwing with regular or Phillip’s heads and cut whatever needs slicing. It is a necessity for a guy who grew up on a farm.
All of this utility, however, makes the Leatherman a weapon, at least according to the TSA in every airport in the country. Then again, shampoo is a weapon at airports these days, but that’s already well-worn blogitory. Over the last eight years, the TSA has taken 12 Leathermen from me at airport security areas. I should start writing them off as donations on my income tax.
This is probably one that was taken from me at an airport:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdsFF-g7byU
While disgorging the contents of my pockets into the plastic bowl at the security checkpoint of the Senate building, I realized that I was about to lose another Leatherman. I dejectedly laid it down with my watch, phone, pen and keys and waited for the lecture and confiscation. No one said a word. The security people were joking and laughing as I cruised right by. I dropped the Leatherman back in my pocket and felt like Lee Harvey Oswald. I almost mentioned it, but the thought of losing another Leatherman silenced me.
I roamed around the hallways, un-accosted, for a couple of hours, saw where the Senators get their hair cut, ate in the cafeteria, rode the elevators up and down the building, then left without incident – all the while, basically carrying what every other security checkpoint considers a weapon. Of course, I never used it while I was there. I was, at one point, tempted to clip off a fingernail in just to be brazen, but I refrained.
Leaving, I passed the same security guys examining a woman in a wheelchair. You just can’t be too safe.