The Party Line

“Hello? Who’s this?”

“John?”

“No, it’s Pearl.”

“Pearl? Why do you sound like a man?”

“That was Earl. He’s on here too.”

“Hey y’all.”

“Earl, how’s that gout?” Continue reading

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Wearing The Dead Cow Forever

Sometimes it lies folded in my car. Sometimes it hangs in the closet. Sometimes it is draped across the back of a chair. Usually I am wearing it. Never is it far away from me once the weather turns chilly. It is my go-to coat unless temps drop below 40º.

The old black leather aviator-style jacket is scratched and scraped by 30 years of life, each mark a memory etched in a long dead cow’s hide. I think it was given to me for Christmas, but by who escapes me. Most likely it was either my in-laws or my wife. It was so long ago I cannot remember. It was not my parents, I know. We were Naugahyde people. Continue reading

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The Old Man And The Big C

I have a strange job. I roam around businesses and look for ways to solve problems. In that roaming, now and then, I meet some interesting people. I met one last week at a pharmacy.

I was looking around the store at items aimed at senior citizens, hearing aids, adult diapers, blood pressure monitors and such. An old man, probably about 70 years old and thin as a sapling limb, stood near the pharmacy desk waiting for his prescription. As I examined the hearing aid batteries, he turned and asked in a low voice, “Can you hear me?” Continue reading

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Dutch Oven Chicken

I’m not Dutch and the chunk of cast iron on the counter does not look like an oven unless you are a cowboy, but this thing can cook like Bobby Flay with a grudge. It will make a good cook out of anyone, even if you have no defined recipes, which, I believe, is the whole point: a Dutch oven is its own recipe. Continue reading

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Rudenecks

Perhaps rednecks are changing. Even though they have always had less than normal proclivities – usually involving beer, fire and some type of explosive or gun or a combination of all three – they used to be somewhat civil and mannered, at least when sober. It was not a political leaning like it is now. It was not a religious statement like it is now. It did not even require camo or a truck. Okay, maybe it did require a truck, but a beat up El Camino would do just as well. Come to think of it, you might need some camo too. You did not, however, need everything you own covered in camo. I know a lot of rednecks and not one got married wearing a camo tuxedo. Not one has a camo recliner or camo couch or camo countertops in the kitchen. It definitely required dogs, probably trailers, a love of anything fried, a lot of denim and a pack of Redman or Skoal. Recently, however, I am finding redneck behavior rude and embarrassing. Perhaps you always found it rude and embarrassing. If you are one of those people, I hate to tell you it has gotten worse. Continue reading

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Hospital Food

If you want to lose weight, eat at the hospital. The selection is a lot like your high school cafeteria and tastes so bad you can probably shed 10 pounds a week just sliding your plastic tray across the metal rail, avoiding something that might be mashed potatoes or could be oatmeal or even grits. Hard to tell, even after you eat them. They always have meat, however. At least it appears to have once been part of an animal. I saw a piece of animal-shaped meat that resembled something I saw on Animal Planet from New Zealand. Cannot remember the name, however. A Tuatara, maybe?

Excuse me for a second. (mumbling in background) Continue reading

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Rudy, The Wannabe Cat

Rudy, our Jack Russell, has taken to acting like a cat. I never thought I would type those words.

He drapes his carcass on the backs of recliners and chairs and the couch for no good reason, as if anything else he does has a reason. Rudy is not a good cat imitator. Look at his face up there. You can tell his heart is just not in this thing. Yet he does it every day. Continue reading

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The God-Given Beauty Of A Fried Egg


A fried egg is as close to God’s original menu for Adam and Eve as anything I can think of. A fried egg sandwich will forgive several types of low-ranking sins according to a preacher I used to know. Continue reading

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Big River: Welcome To The Circus

Recently it has come to my attention that one of Big River’s fellow tenants called us “circus people.” Granted, this comment was heard by one of our “circus” people while sitting in a restroom stall playing games on an iPhone, but that is usually where the truth comes out. Circus people. Really? Continue reading

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Blue Lights

On my way home from the grocery store, after I called my son to excitedly tell him about the new donut shop that just opened next to the pharmacy, I caught site of the man beside the road. He was wrestling with a strand of blue LED Christmas lights. I have seen this guy putting up his lights before. The first time, probably three years ago, a little boy was assisting him. The second time there was a younger woman, as I recall. Now it was just him and a dog. What are the odds of seeing the same man putting up the same lights for three years in a row? Continue reading

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