Whoa, dude. Who doesn’t want those side effects? Unusual dreams? It sounds like Woodstock. What is a usual dream? Being chased by snakes on skateboards? Your neighbor parking the space shuttle in your front yard? Going to work naked, but not realizing it until you are there? Flying through walls and hooking up with aliens? Eating a pizza the size of my house? My dog talking to me and sounding like a guy I worked with at Chiat/Day? Sigourney Weaver from Ghostbusters asking me if I am the key master? Outrunning bad guys wearing black robes and brandishing brass knuckles in the restroom at Grand Central Station? I’ve had all of those dreams, yet I have never taken this medication. Damn.

My dreams are normally so unusual, I wonder what kinds of dreams I would have? What is unusual for me? I can see the dream now. I’m sitting in a chair. The light is on. That’s it. That’s the entire dream. Just sitting in a chair with the light on. For me, that is an unusual dream.

During the Super Bowl, NBC ran a spot asking, “What happened to your butt?” The answer: people laughed theirs off at the new network shows. One woman had her butt reattached six times. If you think butts are funny, you’re laughing right now.

In another spot for T-Mobile, a man’s butt calls his wife by accident on his cell phone.

His butt called her.

She’s having a conversation with his butt during the spot. Should be funny, right? Not so much. Is it an issue in America, butts calling people? Are they getting wrong numbers, insulting people, generally making asses out of themselves? Has your butt been doing things you don’t know about? At the end of the spot, the guy hops up and lands on his butt and snarls at his wife, “My butt hung up on you.” Logo fades up. Butt humor. Ha, ha.

When a butt is the butt of your joke, it’s kind of like being in 8th grade again. Granted, I’ll be the first to admit that butts are funny (more to guys than women) but they’re not unique. Everyone has a butt. But we’ve always had butts. So why are our butts just now showing up in commercials? Advertising has been filled with asses for years. We’ve been kissing asses like no other industry since long before Bernbach. I worked for a creative director who constantly yelled, “Let’s kick some ass.” He wanted “kick-ass work” and he kicked ours to get it, even making us work on Christmas Day. He’d have loved these butt commercials.

We’ve had talking heads and now we have talking butts. Our butts are stars. Christian Bale’s butt got all upset the other day. Beyonce’s butt made a cool video. Mark my word, I predict by the fall, a butt will have it’s own TV show. Like “House” and “Lost” – Tonight, on “Butt.”

Rush Limbaugh is available, too. He’s been talking out of his for years.

I sat on a couch on a stage with a legitimate businessman to my right and Peter (a very funny guy) as the MC. People looked at us like we were professionals. Ten Super Bowl commercials were shown. After each one, we were suppose to say pithy, funny, things while appearing to know what we were talking about. Did I mention how much I suck at this?

I wanted to be funny, of course. I wanted to be Letterman-ishly good. Unfortunately, I felt like William Hung on American Idol. I heard laughing now and then but I think it was because some people have a sick lust to watch a person dying in front of a crowd.

Of course, everyone has an opinion about commercials. We all concoct supposedly intelligent reasons why we like one and hate another. I watched each spot and made smart-ass banter. Some people laughed (out of pity, likely) and some just sat there like dogs doing algebra in their heads. Sometimes what I thought would be humorous was actually just odd.

There are few things that will slap a pop-knot up side of your confidence faster than speaking in front of a group who may not share your opinions – or who are possibly drunk. That was the job, however. It made me understand, yet again, how tough it is to be out front in public or be a comedian, singer or even a stripper. I appreciate President Obama’s speaking talents more and more with every public talk I give. To lay out extemporaneous, off-the-cuff verbiage in front of a hundred or so people is a Robin Williams-ish skill and a Chris Rock-ian talent – neither of which I possess. You have to bare your brilliance, humor or stupidity to people you don’t know, some of whom hate you because you work for the competition. I was good at the last one. Three women got up and left after they’d had their fill of opinions they clearly didn’t share. If I were smarter, I would have gone with them.

As it went on and on, I found the silences between words were funnier than the words. Sometimes the less you say, the better – in court, in marriage and on stage. Now and then, I just looked vacantly around the room when called upon by Peter for a witty comeback. People laughed. Then I would say something and most of them stopped laughing. Instant feedback. Simply translated: you suck.

I think two people thought my comments were funny. That’s the power of Drinkability. 120 people, however, probably wished they hadn’t paid money to watch this pitiful show. Five guys standing at the bar clearly enjoyed seeing me suffer. I know that because they pointed and bent over, slapping their knees while howling with laughter. Sadists.

I doubt I will be asked back next year. I missed a basketball game I wanted to see on ESPN. I angered several woman, insulted a couple of drunks and went home to cold creamed beef on toast.

I have given perhaps a thousand presentations, prepared speeches and impromptu talks. I have been on panels and even sadly led the choir in a church a couple of times years ago. It never gets easier. Every crowd is a tough crowd.

As I was leaving, a woman approached me and said, “Peter, thank you for coming out tonight and doing this again.”

Yes. There was my out. She thought I was Peter Kaufman. Perfect. As we talked, and I pretended to be Peter, I slowly peeled off my nametag. I smiled and thanked her graciously, making sure she had no doubt that I was, indeed, Peter. I even pointed at Peter, standing with a group in the corner and I just flat-out lied.

“Look at him over there.” I said. “That Terry Taylor is a pathetic site – working the crowd like he thinks he’s funny. I feel bad for him. Taylor is such a schlub.”

She looked sadly and nodded. I ran out the door.

Sorry, Peter.

Now I have witnessed ad dog perfection.

January, 2008, Green Bay, Wisconsin, minus-25 wind chill. Lambeau Field is packed for their Packers. Brett Favre is frozen. Another Manning is smiling. The Giants are going to the Super Bowl. Fred (our Mr. Moore) is in the stands with his brothers and son. They are colder than a welldigger’s butt, yet I watch the game in HD comfort. The camera pans the oddly blistered face of Tom Coughlin then dips to black.

Commercial break.

I’m about to go pee. A frosty Bud Light bottle rolls and a heady beer-pour fills the screen. Foam rises. Big theme music swells. The announcer waxes on about the product attributes. I’ve seen it before.

Then it happened. Here’s the replay. I won’t do it justice by describing it. Besides, I still have tears in my eyes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UHKB6nQrzM

I am just another blogger talking about how funny it was. It’s four legs and a tail past funny. I have watched it 100 times. Everyone I know is talking about it. I’ve read dozens of blogs (mostly ad people) writing about it. Don’t read my words; just go watch the commercial over and over and over.

“Sausages! Sausages! Saaaaausages! Sausage! Sau-sage!”

Over the years, I have sat in thousands of meetings and listened to several thousand humans talk and talk and talk. Yet, in 15 seconds, that dog said it all. In one word, the dog expressed why branding works.

If you don’t get it, that’s your clue. Maybe you shouldn’t be in branding or marketing or maybe you need to check your passport as an American.

As Hollywood gets ready to hand out Oscars and actors get ready to give their speeches, that dog can lick his butt knowing he bested every single one of them.

Best performance by anyone in any medium in 2008. And the envelope goes to (pause as Nicholson grins on the front row): Sausages.

{ NOTE: If you think they dubbed over a human voice for that talking dog, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tayhKuJe44Y&NR=1 }

Almost everyone on TV has been Targeted. Other department stores are Targetish. A very large and supposedly successful retail giant has Targetated. Car dealers are Targetesque. A well-known thrift store has a Targetoid commercial. And that funeral home with the multicolored, spinning caskets? Targeting the afterlife? I have seen Target-looking spots for almost everyone except Target lately.

I know, I see, I smell, I hear, I get it. Target is more successful in retail than Trojan is in latex. Hotter than Harley is in cycles. Hotter than Peterbilt is with big, honking diesels. But does every commercial have to look like Target? Is it just me? Am I the only one who has noticed this Targetization of American retail branding?

No.

JACK from TX: “I saw a commercial for a pet shop. I swear, I thought Target had started selling multicolored dogs and cats.”

(Is that on YouTube?)

RAUL from NYC: “I have lost track of what Target is doing because everyone is now doing what Target is doing. Me, too. I am thinking of changing my name from Raul to Target.”

(Hmm, it’s better than Raul, actually)

CHERRELLE from MS: “I have an idea. Why don’t all of the people who are imitating Target do something different, like, you know, their own idea.”

GLENDA from TN: “I love Target. I love their commercials. I am having trouble telling the difference between their commercials and so many Target wannabes. I guess nobody can think of anything new?”

(Ding, ding, ding. Glenda and Cherrelle win the prize for having a brain.)

SAM in AL: “Here’s the message I get from those people who do advertising that looks like Target: When in doubt, Target. If your sales are in the toilet, Target. When you have no ideas of your own, Target. What else am I suppose to think? I’ll tell you what I think, I think of Target. Is that how you want to spend your money? Making me think of their store instead of yours?”

(Sam is a smart guy and I should have let him write this.)

GIGI from FL: “Am I on the air right now? Can America hear me? Stop being Target unless you ARE Target! Did that go through? Thank you.”

(Gigi clearly thought I was recording her comment, but that’s another story.)

Anyway, this story is simple: Target is Target. You are not. I am not. We are not. Only Target is Target. You won’t be Target-like by not being unique. If you do commercials that look like Target’s, then you are saying, “We are not like Target. We are fake Targets.” Being original is what made Target so Targety.

In closing, I want you to close your eyes and imagine this blog as a Target commercial.

I feel so much more successful now.

The cavemen already are ingrained in our culture deeper than some familiar sitcom characters.

You don’t need Talia Shire to analyze the situation surrounding the popular campaign: A built-in national audience.

Smart business. ABC is not stupid. Half its work is done right there. People love the cavemen. They are the ultimate un-Neanderthals.

The fuzzy yuppers have been insulted more than Imus at a Rutgers game or Rutgers on an Imus broadcast; more than the audience at a Michael Richards comedy club routine. They get less respect than Rodney Dangerfield ever did. Take my caveman, please.

So the job at hand will be to make the show as good as the commercials. Tough job, to be sure, but knowing Steve Bassett and the people at Martin, the Geico cavemen are in good hands.

Although they have never appeared in a Geico spot (beyond one’s mother phoning during the Shire session) there must be cavewomen. For every Fred and Barney, there is a Betty and Wilma. And a Dino? Maybe.

The cavemen could have girlfriends. Ann Coulter and Rosie O’Donnell come to mind, since the two hairy dudes have to endure pain and grief as part of the daily gig and I’d love to see those four on a double date. Britney Spears and Paris Hilton might work as well. They could go to a Dixie Chicks concert in Houston maybe.

Bigotry and hatred is an “All in the Family” subject seldom mentioned in commericals, so fleshing out the cavemen as targets of such treatment in today’s society will take guts and just may be where this show has a chance to shine – showing us our prejudices in a subtle way that allows the cavemen to take the heat for this very real cultural sickness; and that is something more important than saving money on your car insurance.

Then again, maybe the show will just be funny. And that is a coup as well in today’s sitcoms.

At the same time, another group was offended by the depressed and suicidal robot in the GM spot, and they, too, starting itching and moaning and wanting that commercial pulled. In a rare moment of testicular fortitude, GM continues to stand behind their work (wish they’d done that with the 1980 Buick Regal I bought years ago). In a third-time’s-the-charm moment, a restaurant trade group is insulted by the “Life Comes At You Fast” spot with Kevin Federline, Britney Spears’ ex, where the wannabe rapper’s singing career tanks and he ends up working the drive-thru in a fast food joint. Tell me again that advertising doesn’t imitate life. If the group wants to really be insulted, they should get his new CD.

Also, a Mr. Turkeyneck in Cleveland wants an apology from FedEx. So what’s next? A few other ad scandals are brewing as well.

The Rock, Paper, Scissors Society is torked about the violence in the Bud Light spot of the same name. Several newspapers reports injuries from this activity. An investigation has ensued.

A group of beer industry observers (seven guys in a bar in Baltimore) says violence is a theme in several recent beer commercials. One was quoted in Guzzler Weekly, “I love the new ‘gimme a beer before I beat you like a cheap rug’ direction.” Then he proceeded to beat the other six guys like a cheap rug.

NASA wants FedEx to stop running the Moon Office spot, saying it didn’t represent astronaut reality. And we all know what that means.

A group of office managers in Orlando wants the Careerbuilder campaign banished because they say it too closely “misrepresents actual American corporate environments and, if college students see this, they will never want a job.” Truth hurts, I guess.

A representative for 498,521 men with erectile dysfunction say they may file a class action lawsuit against Sprint for the Connectile Dysfuction commercial if they can “get up” the necessary funds to hire a lawyer.

My grandmother wants an apology from Prince for wearing that thing on his head during halftime. She said it reminded her of her mother.

The International Gorilla Zoological 3458 Union is offended by the Gorilla spot for Bud Light. It released a statement reading, “That commercial made all gorillas look stupid. Remember where you people came from?” The Caveman Union (in negotiations with Geico) is working with the gorillas to reach a settlement.

Auctioneers For A Better Ontario wants the Bud Light Auctioneer wedding pulled or “we will beat them like a cheap rug.”

Everyone who speaks a foreign language wants an apology for the Bud Light language class spot. Bud seems to have offended every group able to hire a lawyer.

Oddly, not one group complained about the Godaddy.com commercial, and Ricardo Montalban was actually happy about the lions imitating him in the Taco Bell spot.

Rex Grossman said he wants a apology from the Colts defense for “beating me like a cheap rug.”

Pregame
Not exactly sure what that Fellini-esque pregame menagerie was, with inflatable ostriches and gators and tumblers dressed like Richard Simmons, but I thought I was having a flashback to a Peter Max poster being viewed by Dr. Seuss after downing a tab of LSD. That was flat weird. But better than the commercials around it.

The Game Starts
The Colts’ Tony Dungy versus his old friend Lovie Smith from the Bears – it’s Chicago and Indianapolis – only 188 miles apart, yet the coaches couldn’t be closer.

The NFL commercial about the people, family, friends and towns that spawned the players in the game was a flag-waving national anthem for pro football’s place in American culture. I’m getting an NFL tattoo on my butt tomorrow.

The Colts’ Peyton Manning (does he look like a big Bart Simpson to you, or is it just me?) comes in needing to make an honest woman of his reputation. The Bears’ Rex Grossman comes in looking like that dude who works in accounting who pokes his head in your cube every day asking how it’s going. Chicago middle linebacker Brian Urlacher looks like what would happen if you locked up the lead singer from that old 80s group Midnight Oil in a Gold’s Gym for 24 straight months.

Ronald McDonald House commercial: Not a great spot, but a great cause.

Ford Trucks: Not-too-inspired attempt to get back some of the $12.5 billion Ford lost last year.

“Ghost Rider”: Now I know why Nick Cage said he’ll stop making movies for a while.

NFL Network Spot: Martha Stewart and others. Not bad, oh, pass me the vanilla flavoring.

The National Anthem: I thought I looked old until Billy Joel started singing like an “American Idol” tryout where Simon rips the guy a new one.

“Norbitt”: Another Eddie Murphy movie where he plays every single character.

Pizza Hut: Jessica Simpson smiles and tries to look like Britney Spears with panties on.

Blockbuster: This is the stupidly simple spot where they explain the deal that just may carve a chunk out of Netflix’s rear.

The Edge: Old spot. New Car. I’m humming that darned song.

Ford Super Duty Truck: Special effects has truck floating all around while a guy drones on about how it’s built. I see where some of their 12.5 billion went. (Note to Ford: Call us, we can help spend your money better).

The Bears’ Devin Hester runs back the opening kickoff 92 yards for a TD. First time in Super Bowl history that’s been done. The Bears smile, not knowing what’s gonna happen three hours later. Grossman is grinning because that’s 7 he won’t have to deposit.

Manning gets picked off by Harris and the Colts look like the Tin Man without his oil can.

Bud Light: To get the last Bud Light in an ice chest, two guys play Rock, Paper, Scissors. One guy throws a rock and cold-cocks his pal. I really wanted to laugh. I tried.

Doritos: A Doritos bag is used as, ahhh, uhhh, I think I drifted off there for a second.

Blockbuster: Clicking a mouse. A Real Mouse. Dumb. But I laughed – something I didn’t do in a lot of the other spots.

Sierra Mist: Comb-over guy in shorty shorts. Funny looking. Comb-overs are that way.

Salesgenie.com: I kept waiting for the trunk monkey. Did this thing get lost on its way to its 3 a.m. slot on cable? I have three friends in sales, and they want an apology from the genie for making them look stupid in front of a billion people on the Super Bowl.

Sierra Mist: Again, same guy but no comb-over now. He’s doing a bad Jim Carrey impression in a karate class. Are they drunk? I’m beginning to think there’s a reason why people are saying the Internet and YouTube is killing TV.

Manning tosses a 58-yarder to Wayne, then they fumble the PAT in the rain. Remember the word “fumble”. You will read it a lot in the next few paragraphs.

Toyota Tundra: Okay, yeah, it’s a demo, but I like it. Truck zooms through gate to show power, then slams on the ABS before a gorge. At least it feels like a Super Bowl spot.

FedEx: Moon Office. Interesting idea. Now we’re looking more like Super Bowl commercials.

Bud Light: Auction wedding. I laughed. I like. I’m feeling better about my chosen profession. Nice one.

Bears fumble the kickoff. Colts fumble it back the next play. It’s raining but that’s not a greased pigskin and these guys make millions each to play a game we’d all love to still play for free. Grossman tosses a quick TD to Muhammad and it’s 14-6 Bears over Colts.

Snickers: Yeah, now we’re talking sick. Two mechanics share a Snickers and work their way up the chocolate bar to each other’s lips. They freak out and have to do some manly stuff to make up for their Brokeback moment – like ripping a chunk of chest hair off. I laughed.

CBS network promos compete with fumbles to see which one gets shown the most.

Chevy: People sing popular songs with Chevy in them. Not bad. But this is the Super Bowl.

Bud Light: Classroom learns to speak the Bud Light language. Uh huh, I saw
“Stripes,” too.

CBS promo, I think. Was there one for “CSI”? No, wait, there were 47 for “CSI”.

Bears fumble again. It’s raining harder in Miami. Now we have four turnovers as the first quarter ends.

HoDaddy.com, er, I mean, GoDaddy.com: Sorry. Wet T-shirts in marketing. Yeah, happens all the time. Sex sells. Sux doesn’t.

Coke: Animated spot I’ve seen a lot in theaters. Cool.

More CBS promos. Good grief. Couldn’t sell this time?

The Colts’ Vinatieri does what he does, and it’s 14-9.

Budweiser: Dog is lost in city, sees Bud wagon in parade, gets splashed, jumps on wagon and winks. I’m a sucker for a dog, so I liked it.

Garmin: Somebody clearly had a bad trip while watching an old “Power Rangers” cartoon.

Careerbuilder.com: Corporate America in the jungle. Darts fly. People go down. Sort of funny.

Doritos: Checkout girl and guy make a love connection and there’s a cleanup on aisle one. This is the one that was created by a fan. Says a lot about the pros in our biz, doesn’t it?

Note to CBS: Please invest in some wipes to get the smear off the lenses on your cameras. I know it’s raining and all, but this is the Super Bowl.

Indianapolis runs it in and the score is 16-14.

Bud Light: People getting slapped. I loved this spot. I have to say, for me, it was the best one. Not saying it was great, but in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

Beatyourrisk.com: That name could have been a lot worse. So could the spot, which I kind of enjoyed. High Blood Pressure (as a character) attacks Mr. Heart and beats him like Sonny Corleone smacking Carlo in the street.

NFL United Way: At least it’s a good cause.

GM: Auto assembly robot drops a nut and has a nightmare where his life goes down the tubes because of his mistake (“All By Myself” plays to his pain). The message: GM is obsessed with quality. I like it. I just hope they really are, you know, obsessed with quality like that.

Coke: Nostalgic bottle through history. Classic-looking and traditional feel with a cool graphic aftertaste. Nice wallpaper.

By now, Noah is building an ark in section 34 under the scoreboard. Rain is blowing sideways like a cow peeing on a flat rock.

“Wild Hogs”: Movie. Looks funny. Another 9 bucks I’ll be out soon.

Sprint Mobile Broadband: Connectile Dysfunction. Kind of funny if it weren’t so true. I had Sprint for a while. I know how that dysfunction feels on their cell phone coverage. They need to put the people who do their advertising in charge of their customer service. Maybe jokes will help them replace customers like me.

Motorola: I think it was Motorola. Don’t you hate it when you see the spot and can’t remember who the client is?

More CBS promos. More rain. More fumbles. The Colts fumble. The Bears fumble back to them. There are six turnovers so far. Why isn’t KY Jelly sponsoring this thing?

Frito-Lay: A nice little spot celebrating the historic occasion of two African-American head coaches being in the Super Bowl.

Coke: Old man in nursing home who has never had a Coke does other things he’s never done. Seen it before. It’s okay.

What’s this? More CBS promos for their shows? On CBS, by CBS.

Opps, Vinatieri misses. Amazing. He’s been 12 for 12 in the playoffs on FG’s and he misses. It happens. The Bears hang in. It’s 16-14 at the half.

Halftime
Rain, rain, rain. Makes you want to vacation in Miami, doesn’t it?

Ah, just what I was waiting to see: More CBS show promos. This one has David Spade. Oh darn, I will have to miss that show for sure.

Acura: I think it said something about a car.

Pepsi Halftime Show
Prince appears on a stage shaped like the symbol for the artist formerly known as Prince. Now that is some sneaky integrated marketing right there. Fireworks explode like a can of WD-40 on that YouTube video.

On his famous head, Prince is wearing something that looks exactly like what my mom used to wear home from the beauty parlor. It’s kind of boring until he starts up Hendricks’ “Watchtower” and goes into “Best of You,” and then a big curtain starts blowing and we see Prince in backlit silhouette and, while I think he’s playing a strangely-shaped guitar, he also looks a lot like Satan
choking a forked-tailed ferret.

The curtain goes down and Prince dances and sings and somewhere out there Porter Waggoner wants his coat back.

The halftime show ends and there are, you guessed it, more CBS promos. A lot of them over and over. How many different “CSI”’s are there? I thought I saw “CSI”, then “CSI Miami”, then “CSI Rosie O’Donnell” and “CSI Survivor” and “CSI Madden” and, well, there were a lot of them.

Arby’s: Can’t remember a thing they said.

Ford Trucks: Smashes big birthday cake. Not a new one, but I like to watch that.
Second Half
Dodge Grand Caravan: Frog lost in van. Seen it before.

Hard rain is still falling. Is that Morgan Freeman in a boat with Christian Slater in the endzone?

Vinatieri makes it Colts 19-Bears 14.

Disney: “Meet the Robinsons”, animated movie. I loved “Shrek”. This?

E•Trade: Bank robbery in reverse. I like the idea of getting robbed by your bank because it is so darned true.

Coke: Salvador Dali-type spot. Saw it in theaters already, a lot.

More CBS promos. Imagine that.

Bud Light: Gorillas in zoo want to snag Bud Light from delivery guy; a smile for the camera stops them. The smile was the best part. They should have just had the gorillas smiling like that the whole time while they planned their heist.

Revlon: Sheryl Crow is hot. The spot wasn’t.

Bears get the ball back after 56 minutes without it. Geez. Prince got more touches than Grossman, who stumbles for two straight 11-yard losses and fumbles the greased pigskin.

Careerbuilder.com: Corporate life in the jungle. I like the idea of that. Sometimes it was funny.

Taco Bell: Talking Ricardo Montalban lions. I would have laughed in 1981.

Van Heusen: I thought it was a Gillette commercial.

Oh look! A CBS promo! With Brooke Shields, too! She’s what? As tall as Shaq now?

Addai and Rhodes are grinding the yards out for the Colts now, and the Bears’ offense is standing on the sideline wondering when they will get to play in the Super Bowl. Another Colts FG.

Toyota Tundra: Another sort of cool demo out in the desert.

Emerald Nuts: So Robert Goulet messes with your stuff at the office? This is for nuts? If they had him messing with your nuts, now they have a Super Bowl commercial.

T-Mobile: Charles Barkley as Dad. Man, am I old.

FedEx: The names match the people. I liked it, Mr. Turkeyneck.

Nationwide: K-Fed finally gets a job that suits his talents. Nice idea. A Super Bowl spot, finally (although I saw it on YouTube last week).

Bud Light: Hitchhiker. He has an axe. I liked it.

CBS promo again. And again. And again. I’ve seen more “CSI” than Grossman has seen the ball.

Gould kicks a FG for the Bears and the score is 22-17 Colts.

Replay of cameraman getting smacked in the end zone on a Manning pass and landing in a puddle is better than any commercial all night.

Rain is now spitting like Sylvester the Cat as more CBS promos hammer me into oblivion.

Budweiser: Crabs worship ice chest of Bud. Say what? This was voted the best spot of the night? Ouch. Not for me, but it does put the other spots into perspective, doesn’t it? Clearly, most people were drunk by this time.

Prudential: They have a rock, you know.

Honda: Elvis. “Burning Love”. New CRV. Average.

CBS, yeah, promos, I know.

Colts’ Hadden intercepts Grossman and runs it back for TD. The straw that broke the Bears’ butt. There have been seven turnovers so far. Colts 29-17.

HP: “Orange County Choppers”. Not memorable but cool looking.

IZOD: Eye candy.

Bud Select: Don Shula in Vegas…something-or-other.

CBS promos. More smeared lenses. Raining harder.

Colts intercept Grossman again; this time, Sanders does the deed. seventh turnover.

Flomax: Pee too much? This will stop it. But a runny nose as a side effect. Hmmm, stops your pee, runs your nose. It should be called FloLess, not FlowMax. Yeah. I thought so too.

E•Trade: Things to do with one finger, like click the remote when those CBS promos come on.

Oops, too late. More CBS promos. I’ve counted 3,457 so far.

“Hannibal Rising”: Movie. Fava beans. Another 9 bucks I’ll be out.

Careerbuilder.com: More corporate America in the jungle. The dude with the paper clips on his back was pretty funny.

CBS, please, enough with the freakin’ promos!

Honda: Passing gas pumps in desert. Nice demo.

GoDaddy.com: Same spot.

Snapple: ECGC, green tea. Okay.

Colts win, 29-17. Dungy and Smith hug. It rains.

NFL: Hard to say goodbye.

Maybe not. Here’s another CBS promo about “CSI Miami”. I guess they’re investigating the drowning deaths and the commercials that were DOA on the field during the Super Bowl.

The Game

• Good to see all of the past Super Bowl MVP’s in one place.
• After the National Anthem, I doubt Aaron Neville will ever share a
  stage with Aretha Franklin again.
• Could the 7-foot-tall tight end for Seattle drop any more perfect passes?
• Could Hines Ward make any more amazing shoelace catches?
• Could the refs have all been from Pittsburgh?
• I’ll trade you a Lofa Tatupu and a Chris Kemoeatu for a Niko Koutouvides, a Isaiah Kacywenski, a Itula Mili, a Chidi Iwuoma, a Chukky Okobi, a Kimo von Oelhoffen and a Troy Polamalu. Remember names like Bart Starr?
• I like the 1950s Cadillac-ish game graphics.
• So what exactly were the Seahawks thinking right before the half when they needed a score and somehow found a way not to?

Halftime

• Wow, did they put that stage up and take it down fast or what?
• Remember Live Aid and Farm Aid? Welcome to MedicAid.
• Look at Keith Richards. Now look at Abe Lincoln on a penny. Uh huh.
• Should 65-year-old men wear pants that tight?
• The Stones still sound great. And my kids still hate them. “Scary. Looks like Grandpa in tights and skin flapping under his arm.”
• Somewhere, Grace Slick is smiling.
• Isn’t it odd that Mick still has more moves than Fergie in the Black Eyed Peas in the “My Humps” video. Impressive.
• Like going to a cool Stones concert and a football game interrupted it.

Commercials

I have always hated it when somebody who doesn’t have a spot on the biggest commercial showcase of the year critiques spots on the Super Bowl. So with self-hatred, here goes: (click here to see the commercials) Were the second-half commercials better than the first-half spots, or was it just me? In order of appearance during game:

• Disney: Players all practicing “I’m going to Disney World.” Old idea but still nicely executed.
• The NFL’s “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” with Harrison Ford. I’m not sure kids liked it or were scared of him. I know I was cared of him.
• Bud Light: “Hiding Buds around the office” was funny. I’ll try that.
• The freaky Burger King “Showgirl/Produce” spot: I will never say “hold the tomato” in the same way again.
• Sierra Mist soft drink “Airport Security” spot was simple and funny. Or simply funny. You pick.
• Bud Light: “Revolving Magic Wall” was hilarious.
• “Cavemen” for FedEx: Cavemen are pretty popular these days, aren’t they?
• Bud Light “Grizzly”: I think Tom Darbyshire and I did that spot with director Wayne Gibson for Roy’s years ago.
• Diet Pepsi “Can As Star”: Celebrities are so much better when you have a good idea. I was looking for it. Did I miss it? Pepsi has done better Super Bowl spots. A lot better.
• Leonard Nimoy for Aleve? Live long and prosper…without stiff fingers?
• Bud Light “Fixing the Roof”: I liked this one too. Even my wife laughed. Husbands falling through the roof always makes her laugh.
• Budweiser “Clydesdales Streaking Goat”: Maybe it’s because I’m from Alabama, but there’s just something funny about a shaved goat.
• Mobile ESPN “Sports All Over Town”: Nice idea.
• “All the “Monkeys in Office” spots for CareerBuilder.com are funny. Nice campaign. Adding jackasses is even better.
• The new Escalade is cooler than Cadillac’s “Fashion show” spot.
• Kermit for Ford’s hybrid: At least I remember Green. And that ain’t bad.
• The Dove Self Esteem Fund: Hmmm, do they have this for ad people?
• Michelob Amber’s “Football Smackdown Tackle”: I saw “Wedding Crashers” and this still made me laugh.
• Okay…GoDaddy.com:. Sultry woman bursting out of her shirt. I went to the site of course. Say whu?
• Gillette Fusion: Yeah, I need five blades and I want them to vibrate. This is a razor right?
• During an announcer break, the dude says, “Diet Pepsi. It’s brown and bubbly.” Not sure that is what I want to think about when drinking a soft drink.
• Sprint “Locker Room” guy hits his friend with his cell phone: I liked it. It’s the age-old rule of comedy: It’s not funny until somebody gets hurt. Come on, who hasn’t wanted to slam somebody upside the head with their cell phone? Admit it.
• Desperate Housewives promo with Shaq, Hugh Heffner, Sugar Ray Leonard: That’s comedy.
• Addicted to “Lost” (cut to “Addicted to Love”) Nice editing, nice music, nice phrase replace, nice to see Robert Palmer alive again.
• Ameriquest spots were funny, although a bit like the Nationwide spots (life comes at you fast). Particularly the woman on the redeye flight who falls during some turbulence and straddles the man and the lights come on…that was hilarious.
• PEBL T-Mobile: Cell phone as a smooth rock underwater. Nice idea. Especially for all of us who have dropped our cells in the toilet. I need that phone.
• Budweiser’s Clydesdales with the pony pulling the wagons and the big horses pushing to help him: It was “cute” to use my wife’s phrasing. It’s like the Clydesdales meet “The Notebook” and nobody dies in the end.
• Hummer H3 spot where the giant monster and the giant robot get together and have a baby…a Hummer: A pregnant monster? Funny. Nice idea.
• Budweiser’s flashcards in the stands: Carlton Draught did that idea better with “Big Ad.”
• Nationwide’s Fabio fake shampoo commercial was pretty funny. Anything with Fabio is a spoof. Like MC Hammer.
• Toyota Tacoma Truck, tumbling in the surf. Nice idea. Unless it happens to you.
• Degree: Stuntman crashes through city and finally gets to work. No sweat. Good stuff for this category.
• Emerald Nuts: Just freakin’ weird.
• Mastercard…MacGyver: Funny continuation of a classic campaign.
• The Pro Bowl spot with guy hugging pizza man because the Pro Bowl is the last game of the season. Pretty funny.